Tag Archives: The Language Of Solutions

5 Empowerment Tips For The “People Pleaser Part” Within

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To: Readers of TheLanguageOfSolutions.org

From Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist

Are you a “People Pleaser” who gives up your needs for others, and has trouble being assertive? If you think not, might you struggle with  an “aspect” or “part of yourself” that has difficulty feeling entitled to have your needs met? The field of Gestalt Therapy embraces the concept that we are multi-dimensional people, with some conflicting and differing parts. For example, if you think you are shy, you may have a brave part that you are not acknowledging. Similarly, you may consider yourself an empowered person, and still struggle with some resistance to asking for your needs to be met.

According to the “Urban Dictionary” a People Pleaser is defined as: “A person who believes that they are less than most others….and have the need to hide these beliefs from all they come in contact with. They feel so low that they behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such.  A People Pleaser will do almost anything to keep others in the dark about what is going on within.”

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I lean toward more “shades of gray” than absolute diagnostic terms. When we accept the complexity of who we are, and the ambivalence we struggle with at times, we can be more nimble and able to adapt and be resilient in challenging situation.

If you think of yourself as having aspects  that are shy and non-assertive, and with low self esteem, what can you do to find that empowerment within? Here are 5 Tips:

Tip #1: Reflect back on the family you grew up in. Who was most powerful…Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Grandparent?  Notice your childhood place in the “power pecking order.”

Tip #2: When you were a child, were you criticized for asserting your needs, or were you supported?  Were you sent to your room as punishment if you were assertive?

Tip #3: If you were sent to your room when you asked for your needs to be met, you may  unconsciously be correlating empowerment with abandonment and loss. If so, you might  avoid assertiveness in order to prevent being abandoned.

Tip #4: Notice your adult relationships, such as family, friends, significant others, and professional relationships. Do you tend to repeat the patterns of your childhood role?

Tip #5: Begin a journal of events and situations, and write about your gut reaction and behaviors. Then, wait a few days, and read your journal entry about what you did. Finally, think about some alternative behaviors that you may have been able to do. For example, if you were negotiating to buy a car, did you agree to the first price the salesman gave you? Did you do your comparative analysis to verify if the price was fair? If not, ask yourself what kept you from asserting your right to comparative shop.

In summary, take a look at your family history, your current relationships, and your current way of interacting in the world, and begin an inquiry into self analysis. You may want to do this with self help books, with a friend or with a Licensed Psychotherapist. Whatever you decide to do, the journey of self growth and empowerment is a road that will pay off in more happiness , improved self esteem and abundance.

Ellen Anmuth: This Week’s Grief and Loss Advice

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Dear Readers,

I wanted to share links to my 2 articles below on Grief and Loss/Bereavement, because so many people are suffering after the death of a loved one. The first article is on the death of a friend, and the second article is on “Complicated Bereavement”.

Perhaps you could share them with a person who need some help.

Sincerely,

Ellen Anmuth, Licensed Psychotherapist and Genetic Counselor;   Creator/Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs

(1) The Death of A Friend: A Journey With a Unique Footprint

This article describes the very unique aspects of the friendship bond, which may affect the grief process. The “Friendship Bond” is different from the family bond in many ways, and there is often a mirroring of the self that is lost when a friend dies.  Here is the link:

(2) Coping With Death: What is Complicated Bereavement?
As a Licensed Psychotherapist who is also a Genetic Counselor, I specialized in Crisis Intervention and how to cope with complicated bereavements, such as the unexpected death of a child, or the death of a person due to conditions that may have been preventable. This article highlights the causes of complicated bereavements, including guilt, anger, unresolved issues and external events and situations that create complexity. The link is below.
 

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Tips for Pain Management

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Pain Management is a very complex issue. Have you ever had a headache, and then made it worse by being angry that you had a headache?

Yes, you can make pain worse by being angry at the pain. As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I became Board Certified in Clinical Hypnosis.  One of the techniques I used to help people to reduce or eliminate their headache was to place them in a relaxed, light trance state, and ask them to describe the pain. For example, someone would say, “I have a headache in my forehead, on the right”. I would ask, “Does it have a color?” Often, a person would say “Yes”, and then describe the color. I would then ask for the shape, the texture, or other unexpected questions regarding the visual analysis of a person’s headache. This would be repeated 3 or 4 times as the visual impression of their headache would shift and change.

If someone was not able to visualize their headache, I would ask them to describe the feeling of the headache more specifically.

Prior to this, I would do a pre-test, asking a person to rate the pain on a 1-10 scale.  Throughout the session, I would ask people to rate the pain, and it would always reduce. Let’s say that a person’s pain was an 8 out of 10 to begin, mid way through the process, their pain would often reduce to a 4 or 5.  By the end of the session, the pain was often gone.

If it was not completely gone, I would give them a hypnotic suggestion that within a half hour of opening their eyes, they would be at a “zero”, completely pain free.  This is a technique you can do for yourself!

When we get angry about a pain, it tends to make it worse. Paradoxically, when we feel the pain completely, stop resisting what is, and visualize it while it keeps changing and shifting, the pain level drastically reduces.

This works for most types of common headaches. Obviously, a serious headache from a stroke is something that requires calling 911 and going to the hospital.

I would encourage the readers to try this technique on their pain, and write in the comment section below to let me know how it works.

 

“The Mind-Body Wellness Matrix”: A New Blog Takes a Fresh Look

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Wellness is an elusive and broad concept. As a Health Educator, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor and prior Assistant Professor of Family Medicine, I think of “Wellness” as a complex matrix with many levels and dimensions.

When I created  “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs, my hope was to offer ideas and strategies to inform and inspire people to find solutions to many of life’s wellness and relationship challenges.

The purpose of this new blog, www.TheLanguageOfSolutions.org, is to offer articles that will present concepts and strategies that are clear to understand and implement related to  “The Mind-Body Wellness Matrix (TM)”.

This is a model which I conceptualized, based on the belief that  most wellness issues have levels of complexity, and therefore need a multi-dimensional approach to solve them. One level usually ignored is the unconscious level of awareness, for all the obvious reasons! However, repressed memories or repressed traumatic events can also affect behavior and well being, and needs to be part of the “Matrix” of evaluation and plan.

Here is an example: A person is overweight to the point of obesity, and  has Diabetes from the over-eating of sugar. A traditional medical model approach may be to recommend a diet. This approach alone has a high probability of failure. Why? Because obesity usually has emotional issues that contribute. A multi-disciplinary approach would include a psychotherapist, registered dietitian,  and medical doctor.  A family history should include the psychosocial and emotional, not just the medical.

Some instances of obesity are related to unresolved sexual abuse. If the medical doctor does not include the assessment and treatment of emotional trauma in the treatment of Obesity, the likelihood of cure is reduced.

Here is another example, and this one deals with self help in a non-medical setting. Let’s say that you tend toward emotional over-eating, and someone you love has just died. If you find yourself gaining weight, and eating when not physically hungry, it may be helpful to think about seeking the help of a licensed psychotherapist if you feel that you need more support. There is a phenomena called “Complicated Bereavement”, in  which a grieving person may present  with many feelings of guilt or anger which cannot be alleviated easily. As a beginning strategy, you could keep a log or journal of your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. In addition, you could include journal entries of your spiritual beliefs related to feelings of guilt or anger if you believe that the spiritual or religious aspects of life influence your well being.

In summary, “Wellness” is a multi-faceted and multi-layered matrix of complexity. Being  open to this fact will assist on the road to finding solutions.