To: Readers of TheLanguageOfSolutions.org
From Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist
Are you a “People Pleaser” who gives up your needs for others, and has trouble being assertive? If you think not, might you struggle with an “aspect” or “part of yourself” that has difficulty feeling entitled to have your needs met? The field of Gestalt Therapy embraces the concept that we are multi-dimensional people, with some conflicting and differing parts. For example, if you think you are shy, you may have a brave part that you are not acknowledging. Similarly, you may consider yourself an empowered person, and still struggle with some resistance to asking for your needs to be met.
According to the “Urban Dictionary” a People Pleaser is defined as: “A person who believes that they are less than most others….and have the need to hide these beliefs from all they come in contact with. They feel so low that they behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such. A People Pleaser will do almost anything to keep others in the dark about what is going on within.”
As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I lean toward more “shades of gray” than absolute diagnostic terms. When we accept the complexity of who we are, and the ambivalence we struggle with at times, we can be more nimble and able to adapt and be resilient in challenging situation.
If you think of yourself as having aspects that are shy and non-assertive, and with low self esteem, what can you do to find that empowerment within? Here are 5 Tips:
Tip #1: Reflect back on the family you grew up in. Who was most powerful…Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Grandparent? Notice your childhood place in the “power pecking order.”
Tip #2: When you were a child, were you criticized for asserting your needs, or were you supported? Were you sent to your room as punishment if you were assertive?
Tip #3: If you were sent to your room when you asked for your needs to be met, you may unconsciously be correlating empowerment with abandonment and loss. If so, you might avoid assertiveness in order to prevent being abandoned.
Tip #4: Notice your adult relationships, such as family, friends, significant others, and professional relationships. Do you tend to repeat the patterns of your childhood role?
Tip #5: Begin a journal of events and situations, and write about your gut reaction and behaviors. Then, wait a few days, and read your journal entry about what you did. Finally, think about some alternative behaviors that you may have been able to do. For example, if you were negotiating to buy a car, did you agree to the first price the salesman gave you? Did you do your comparative analysis to verify if the price was fair? If not, ask yourself what kept you from asserting your right to comparative shop.
In summary, take a look at your family history, your current relationships, and your current way of interacting in the world, and begin an inquiry into self analysis. You may want to do this with self help books, with a friend or with a Licensed Psychotherapist. Whatever you decide to do, the journey of self growth and empowerment is a road that will pay off in more happiness , improved self esteem and abundance.
This article is copyright © 2025 "The Language of Solutions®" by Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW